I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
