Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
