If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
