So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
