toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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