Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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