one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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