i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
