waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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