I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
