It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
