you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
