Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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