So drunk its hurt
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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