If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
