This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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