I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
