You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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