I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
