i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
