my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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