...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
