there's paper in my vomit.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
