Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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