Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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