my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
