so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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