why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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