soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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