I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
