Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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