I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
