this beer tastes like vomit already
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
