Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
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There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My butt remains clenched, sir.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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