Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
