Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
