watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
