I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
