why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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