As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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