Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
