I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
