it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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