The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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