So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
