Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
