Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
what is it with giant penises always finding me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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