Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
