I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
