the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
