I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Congratulations! We have a period
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
