we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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