I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
