Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
