I wish I could teleport
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
