Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
