you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
is it fun? or sober?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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