Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
