i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
