Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
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